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Eagle Eye Report - Special Edition
A Crystal clear look on all things Palace
Welcome to a special transfer edition of Eagle Eye Report, where we have an exclusive scoop of a huge transfer agreed for Crystal Palace. Several sources close to the club have confirmed to us that one of game's most lethal finishers, Real Madrid top scorer Lautaro Martinez, is set to sign for the Eagles in a colossal club record fee just shy of £95m. Questions will be raised, including why Real wanted to move on from such a prolific finisher, and why, with seemingly his pick of world class clubs and Arsenal to choose from, how he has ended up signing for a team with five league victories to their name and in serious doubt of not progressing from their DPT group, let alone having any aspirations of Champions League football. Our man on the inside, Peter Ian Staker, reveals that El Toro was not kept entirely in the loop by his agent Alejandro Camano...
The following is a dramatisation of events which may or may not have happened.
It's a crisp, bright February afternoon, and the private jet of Lautaro Martinez is on its final approach to Biggin Hill airport, a spot regularly used by London clubs to bring in their transfers from overseas. El Toro, the Argentine international forward, reaches down the side of his seat, and finds a solitary dart. With a swift motion, he hurls the dart into a nearby board which has the face of his former Real Madrid manager, Freddie Kaye plastered to it, peppered with marks. 'Hijo de puta', he mutters, before putting on his seatbelt and closing his eyes.
The plane descends safely onto the tarmac, and Martinez is met by his agent, Alejandro Camano who embraces him outside the plane.
'How are you doing?' Camano enquires (Spanishly)
'Bitter,' replies Martinez, 'I was ready to end my career in Madrid for those fans, it was the move I dreamed of after Florence. And cast aside, all because of Freddie ******* Kaye and Florian ******* Wirtz.'
'Ehhh come on amigo,' Camano responds encouragingly, 'It's a new start, a new city, you can be a hero here too.'
Martinez's face changes, and he gives a rueful smile. 'London eh, I didn't see it coming. It would have been nice to sign for one of the top clubs, but... I guess it will do. A lot of history, a big project, maybe this is what I need.'
'Ayyyy that's the El Toro spirit!' Camano laughs with a pat on his client's back. 'They are going to love you here.'
The two walk away from the plane and head towards customs.
'At least it's a club with so much history you know. OK they haven't won so much of late but, the heritage, the Invincibles, Thierry Henry, Arsene Wenger, Nicklas Bendtner... it will be an honour to wear their shirt and fight for the Gunners. When will I meet Senor Humphris? Is he here?'
Camano stopped abruptly, rubbing his face with his hand. 'Lautaro, there's no easy way to say this... Arsenal pulled out. Senor Humphris was not happy, not happy about a lot of things actually, how the bids were made, when they finished... I think he might want to borrow your dartboard actually.'
Martinez looked stunned. 'Where the ******* **** am I signing then? What am I doing in London if it's not Arsenal?'
Before Camano could respond, a beaming Rob Brunton strode towards the pair of them and clasped Martinez's hand in a vigorous handshake. 'El Toro! So great to have you on board, we're delighted to have you at Crystal Palace.'
'Who the **** are you and what is a Crystal Palace?'
Camano was quick to intervene. 'Lautaro, this is your new manager, Senor Rob Brunton. Crystal Palace have paid the money to Madrid, this is your new team now.'
Martinez's eyes narrowed. 'OK. Which Champions League group are Crystal Palace in?'
Brunton frowned, 'Don't you mean DPT group?'
'Aye aye aye,' That was enough for Martinez, who promptly turned on heel and sat back in his private plane for the next three hours refusing to leave.
So there you have it, the deal is agreed but Martinez clearly not happy at his eventual destination. Can Rob Brunton turn his relationship around with his new star player, and integrate him into the team successfully? Rumour has it that Martinez was eventually lured out by national and new club team mate Rodrigo de Paul, who turned up at Biggin Hill with a can of lager and some chicken after claiming to know the shunned striker. After Palace's 2-1 defeat to Union Berlin, Martinez was also seen on Moonpig.com trying to send an apologetic card and flowers back to his former manager in Madrid.
A Crystal clear look on all things Palace
Welcome to a special transfer edition of Eagle Eye Report, where we have an exclusive scoop of a huge transfer agreed for Crystal Palace. Several sources close to the club have confirmed to us that one of game's most lethal finishers, Real Madrid top scorer Lautaro Martinez, is set to sign for the Eagles in a colossal club record fee just shy of £95m. Questions will be raised, including why Real wanted to move on from such a prolific finisher, and why, with seemingly his pick of world class clubs and Arsenal to choose from, how he has ended up signing for a team with five league victories to their name and in serious doubt of not progressing from their DPT group, let alone having any aspirations of Champions League football. Our man on the inside, Peter Ian Staker, reveals that El Toro was not kept entirely in the loop by his agent Alejandro Camano...
The following is a dramatisation of events which may or may not have happened.
It's a crisp, bright February afternoon, and the private jet of Lautaro Martinez is on its final approach to Biggin Hill airport, a spot regularly used by London clubs to bring in their transfers from overseas. El Toro, the Argentine international forward, reaches down the side of his seat, and finds a solitary dart. With a swift motion, he hurls the dart into a nearby board which has the face of his former Real Madrid manager, Freddie Kaye plastered to it, peppered with marks. 'Hijo de puta', he mutters, before putting on his seatbelt and closing his eyes.
The plane descends safely onto the tarmac, and Martinez is met by his agent, Alejandro Camano who embraces him outside the plane.
'How are you doing?' Camano enquires (Spanishly)
'Bitter,' replies Martinez, 'I was ready to end my career in Madrid for those fans, it was the move I dreamed of after Florence. And cast aside, all because of Freddie ******* Kaye and Florian ******* Wirtz.'
'Ehhh come on amigo,' Camano responds encouragingly, 'It's a new start, a new city, you can be a hero here too.'
Martinez's face changes, and he gives a rueful smile. 'London eh, I didn't see it coming. It would have been nice to sign for one of the top clubs, but... I guess it will do. A lot of history, a big project, maybe this is what I need.'
'Ayyyy that's the El Toro spirit!' Camano laughs with a pat on his client's back. 'They are going to love you here.'
The two walk away from the plane and head towards customs.
'At least it's a club with so much history you know. OK they haven't won so much of late but, the heritage, the Invincibles, Thierry Henry, Arsene Wenger, Nicklas Bendtner... it will be an honour to wear their shirt and fight for the Gunners. When will I meet Senor Humphris? Is he here?'
Camano stopped abruptly, rubbing his face with his hand. 'Lautaro, there's no easy way to say this... Arsenal pulled out. Senor Humphris was not happy, not happy about a lot of things actually, how the bids were made, when they finished... I think he might want to borrow your dartboard actually.'
Martinez looked stunned. 'Where the ******* **** am I signing then? What am I doing in London if it's not Arsenal?'
Before Camano could respond, a beaming Rob Brunton strode towards the pair of them and clasped Martinez's hand in a vigorous handshake. 'El Toro! So great to have you on board, we're delighted to have you at Crystal Palace.'
'Who the **** are you and what is a Crystal Palace?'
Camano was quick to intervene. 'Lautaro, this is your new manager, Senor Rob Brunton. Crystal Palace have paid the money to Madrid, this is your new team now.'
Martinez's eyes narrowed. 'OK. Which Champions League group are Crystal Palace in?'
Brunton frowned, 'Don't you mean DPT group?'
'Aye aye aye,' That was enough for Martinez, who promptly turned on heel and sat back in his private plane for the next three hours refusing to leave.
So there you have it, the deal is agreed but Martinez clearly not happy at his eventual destination. Can Rob Brunton turn his relationship around with his new star player, and integrate him into the team successfully? Rumour has it that Martinez was eventually lured out by national and new club team mate Rodrigo de Paul, who turned up at Biggin Hill with a can of lager and some chicken after claiming to know the shunned striker. After Palace's 2-1 defeat to Union Berlin, Martinez was also seen on Moonpig.com trying to send an apologetic card and flowers back to his former manager in Madrid.