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It was a quiet bank holiday Monday as JB relaxed with his early morning coffee. Time to just pop up the latest spot auction, he thought, and up went Gabriel Moscardo, the Brazilian boy wonder. Chelsea were first on the scene, and when experienced boss Steve Talbot laid an illegal bid, maybe the FFO supremo had an inkling of what was to come……
In his dark lair, PSG boss Ed Clark was plotting his next move - “Oooh what am i going to do?” he chuntered “I just don’t have enough cash to win this player. I don’t need him at all, but I don't want that bully AB to get him either” Up popped his trusted friend Steve Talbot “Oh Stevie, Stevie what am i going to do??? I can’t win the auction player and AB is going to get him” “I don’t really give a fuck Ed to be honest but let’s formulate a plan to fuck him up”
”Great, what did you have in mind?’ said Clark
” Right - here’s the plan - just make an absolute nause of yourself in the bidding, keep adding a million on but leave it for ages before you put on your next bid, that will be well annoying, and well annoying for everyone in FFO too”
” Yeah, yeah but Steve Outten is already doing that at Man Utd and AB has already tried to give him chinese burns, he’s a brute!”
“It’s time for some DA magic my old friend - right if i configure this spiders web technology with a Carolina Reaper crosspatch fix i can literally hardwire into his brain — just give me 5 minutes”
Meanwhile AB was just recovering from the latest episode in his nighttime activities. On Monday 19th August the UK had a ‘Sturgeon Moon’ which was actually a Super Moon, one of the fullest moons of the year. (Look it up, factually correct!)Perhaps it had taken it’s toll. It was one of those days when he knew he should just let the sniping and cajoling go, but for some reason today he just couldn’t. This player was coming to Juventus, and he was going to beat that Paris shower of shit too it.
For what seemed like several months the bidding war raged, managers with literally hundreds of millions chipping in a million at a time as they played a game reserved for the big table. Finally they agreed to meet in a room to finalise the bidding. “Fucking hell, when did i ever deserve the punishment of being in a room with you twats?” AB was in a friendlier mood today. “ That’s it, Steve, Steve he’s starting already, Steve” blurted out Clark. The two Manchester managers, Outten and Nick Lovell, as always suited and booted and wearing shades with two security guards on either side of them, mumbled something with their hands in front of their mouths.
Steve Talbot pulled out the DA magic wand and cast his spell “You will inadvertently fuck up your auction bid by making an inappropriate approach to Steve Outten” he chanted, as he and Clark stood with their heads to the sky “GS, GS we may be able to get you Juventus here!!” Somewhere from the sky came a booming voice “Great stuff lads, you know i don’t give a shit for FFO but hey that would be groooovy!”
And…. Away! Talbot clicked his fingers and returned his wand. Outten and Lovell looked on emotionless and it was difficult to tell if they had been affected.
AB looked like he had had a skinful, and he rubbed his head “What the fuck happened” he said, shaking his head, “ Oh fuck yeah you two clowns, now where was i?” He beckoned to one of the Man U security guards “Can i just grab 5 minutes with your gaffer please mate?” He said, almost trance like. The guard returned , nodded, and pointed to a side door.
” Alright Steve me old mucker, mate, hows it going my old buddy?” Started AB. Outten muttered something behind his hand to his guard who approached AB “SO says fuck off AB, get to the point!” “Fucking charming” said AB - “OK - what i was going to say was that if maybe he wanted to stobidnicdbyFati?”
”I’m sorry sir that made no sense” said the guard - it only makes sense when SO mumbles” AB started to redden “Oh for fucking fucks sake - if, maybe he stopped bidding on the lad then i might be able to buy Fati, just saying like”
The security guard raised his eyebrows and returned to Outten. They mumbled behind their hands and Outten raised his eyebrows. He immediately pulled out his phone and then had to get a guard to hold it up so that he could hold his hand in front of his mouth and speak on the phone at the same time. AB thought he could hear a snake in the background of the other line, but he couldn’t pick it up. Without a word, Outten finished his call, and walked towards the door with his guards. AB scratched his head.
Back in the room, Talbot and Clark were sitting in wait “Hang on a fucking minute” said AB “Why the fuck are you here Talbot? You’ve not got any beans left after that old shite you’ve been building up at Chelsea have you?” “He’s my assistant” said Clark “Well, not really assistant “ said Talbot, “let’s just say ally for now”
They sat around a table for what seemed like months again, again adding incredibly small bids until it got very close to the end of the PSG boss’s pile. Ed Clark’s bottom lip wobbled a bit as he could see this player was not going to be his. AB was just thinking of ways that he could fuck him up, and started scouring the rules. So i have to increase my bid by a million, so time to blow out PSG and really piss him off, he thought. Boom! In went his bid. It didn’t seem to break any rules, and for about 10 mins everyone just looked at the table and thought “Oh fuck, he’s done it, he’s not paid a penny more than he needed too!!” said Clark. “Hang on”, said Talbot. “This is why i am really here - do you remember, the first bid on the auction?” It had been so long ago nobody had a clue what he meant “ I bid £42,325,995. JB said on Discord that it had to be round mil bids. Haha you’re fucked AB, hahahaha” JB suddenly came through on speakerphone from Talbot’s phone “Yeah he’s right AB you fookin daft lad i did say it, I’ll round it down yo daft apath”
“Right i bid £129m” said Clark immediately, and let out a little squeal of excitement as he knew that he would have forced AB to pay a little more and gained a victory in this extraordinarily petty squabble.
AB started to go a funny shade of red. His eyes bulged and he looked furious. “You fucking twatty bellends!” He shouted “Fuck you all, fuck this and fuck FFO!” And he stormed out off the room
Clark turned round to Talbot and they high fived each other. Outten and Lovell muttered something behind their hands and left the auction room. Clark and Talbot followed behind “ So Steve, we can’t get the player, but AB has seriously fucked himself over this - let’s get GS back!!!” And they chuckled all the way back to the lair
Later that evening, AB had taken a double dose of his medication. He looked at his phone. Fuck. He had ranted and raged all afternoon. He had sent all manner of shit to his brother but it was time to put this fucker away. Boom! In came another bid, only to be trumped by Man City who steamed in with 132m. Finally the auction ended and AB had won a lovely Brazilian superstar DM, who had already packed his bags to go to Tottenham on loan.
”Right’ I’ll just pop and see our kid” he thought and made his way to JB’s - he probably deserved an apology after all. As he walked round the corner he was surprised to see various different fleets of cars and security guards, and a queue of managers waiting to see JB. Darren Humphris was burning a Juventus flag, Clark and Talbot constructing a gibbet for a public hanging, and Steve Outten’s security team were building a massive bonfire in the street. “What the fuck is going on here” he wondered. Seeing the crowd had grown, a few more managers arrived - Sam Bradwell turned up in his Winnebago and demanded justice, and Gary Windebank set up a number of prayer mats so that he could help people understand how they could cope better with these difficult anxiety inducing moments. Johnboy and Lovell were flown in by helicopter and JB appeared to be letting no one in
”You showed him the fucking list you twat” raged Humphris “I’m gonna facking cut you!!” and he did the slit throat gesture
”Cheating awful terrible person with no integrity you should be ashamed to be his brother. I am going to seriously consider my future for a couple of minutes - ban me if you want, go on go on” Clark blurted out
”I’ll be facking off too san - but i know where you facking live Jon, don’t facking forget that” ranted Humphris
“Hey, peace guys” said Gary Windebank, tugging on a giant spliff. “Have some of this and chilllll the fuck down - come and listen to the words of the Lord, man”
JB looked out of his bedroom window at the tragic sight in the street. AB paused and went no further. What was going on? Why were they so cross?
To be continued …………..