Season stats comfort Marsh

[Marshy@Atletico]

Atletico Madrid have had a pretty torrid start to the season and are now very much in the realm of playing catch up. Marsh has often spoke of performances being better than results in his post-match interviews. Today the clubs statistics department have put together some performance stats from EFL1.

Manager Simon Marsh "The statistics have been useful to ensure that we are still on the right tracks rather than there be something pivotally wrong with the side we have built. We are outperforming every club bar Roma, Real Madrid and Barcelona at present. Roma and Real Madrid have been the best two sides in the league to date by some distance. Obviously the stats are obscured by fact some teams have faced easier starts than others but it provides us with more knowledge".

Marsh continued "Defensively we have faced the second fewest shots this season so it is pretty shocking to see that we have conceded 15 goals and have the joint 13th worst defence in the league. Offensively we have had the 7th highest shots this season but sit 09th overall on goals scored this season".

Marsh finished "If we can keep up this level of performance results will come. We are working hard on and off the field is trying to get as much as we can from the squad we have".

List of defensive statistical anomalies.

Sporting Lisbon have a completely astonishing and unsustainable record of conceding 2 goals from 87 shots. This is the biggest anomaly in the league.

Ac Milan equally have an unsustainable defensive record having conceded 2 goals from 75 shots. This is crazy high in comparison to other league anomalies and these two are levels that are often not seen across any esms league.

Surprisingly Paris St Germain feature as a club that has required huge slices of fortune to culture their title campaign. A paltry 4 goals conceded from 102 shots is a long way from the two above examples but it is still unsustainable way way above normal levels.

Leverkusen and Atletico Madrid are the polar opposites with high ratio of goals conceded from shots.

List of offensive statistical anomalies.

Borussia Dortmund are the side with no luck in front on goal with only 3 goals scored from 77 chances. They are miles in front of any other club when it comes to missing chances. Celtics 5 from 84 is also very poor.

PSG have the best ratio when it comes to clinical finishing. One could argue this is because they have the most potent side but scoring a goal in less than 6 chances in comparison to Dortmunds 26 chances is very harsh.

January news count
24/01 Season stats comfort Marsh - 449 words
18/01 Musso is shit - video
10/01 Vinicius meets pussy galore - video
10/01 Chukuweze interviewed - video
02/01 Chucky joins Atletico Madrid - 262 words

[JasonH@Wolfsburg]

AC Milan have featured heavily in Atletico’s recently EFL1 statistics, being referred to as having “unsustainable defensive records”, something that Marshy clearly feels has contributed to their winning start to the season.

Hopton has had time to review these statistics and had the following comments: “When I was manager at Leverkusen, we regularly suffered with something I referred to as ‘Shit Keeper Theory”, known going forward as SKT. I had been known during my time as manager to play my reserve keeper in order to combat this phenomenon. Steve at Real Madrid once commented that I was “off the rails” during these attempts. Since I have left Leverkusen, they have continued to suffer from SKT under new manager Chris Spero.

However, AC Milan are not suffering from the reverse, as Marshy has tried to intimate.

During pre season, whilst the rest of the teams were competing in a pointless tournament, I took the AC Milan side away. Ter Stegen spent some time with Man Utd legend Peter Schmeichel, where they worked solidly for 2 weeks on the star fish technique. My defence also had some special training, by the Italy backline from Italia 90.

This has been the sole cause of our form during the early stages of this season. Specific training to enhance are team. Not some theory that we have unsustainable luck.

The biggest problem we are suffering from is a lack of goals, whilst we spent pre season training our defence, I completely forgot about the front line and midfielders. It was reported that Messi was topless in a Greek bar, drinking Sambuca off the belly of a young lady. Unfortunately this has impacted our ability to score goals and is something we are addressing to make our team a more attractive one to watch.

As for Sporting, well they are just having a lot of luck and having an advantage from Good Keeper Theory (GKT) one team a year achieves this and it happens to be Sporting. Their luck will run out sooner or later.”

The reporters were left slightly bemused and puzzled after Hopton’s monologue, has he achieved greatness or is he merely delusional and his downfall is on the cards.