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Fiorentina Fanzone
Prediction time!
Yes, it is that time of the season, who is going to win? Who is shit? It’s time to find out.
Today we focus on EF2, because it’s the only league that matters!
Fiorentina boss Kirby has fed all the relevant data into his special prediction machine, the Bull shitter
‘Brilliantly unbelievably lazy laptop’ also known as the Tosser ‘Totally obvious senseless stats entered randomly’
Yes, this is as scientific as a flat earth convention assessing the solar system. As useful as Boris Johnson, as accurate as VAR for Spurs V Liverpool.
What method is being used? Umm, ok, V=2*Pi – 3xT. See scientific! Anyone alleging this is totally made up are is liable for a good kicking. Ok, so actually it’s mostly wages based, plus some magic involving who I think might be a good manager, or likely to do some more wheeling and dealing.
The Big dogs
OK, these are the teams that should be winning the league, or at least finishing in the top 3, no excuses losers!
Sevilla
Relegated from EF1, and definitely, totally, easily, have the best side in the division, verified by their massive £11,050,000 wage bill. They should walk the league, but, can new manager Alfredo get the best from a side who underperformed last season?
Star players – En-Nesyri, 21 rated forward, Would have been EF2’s top scorer last season, until he was sold. Szczesny – A controversial purchase, but how many other 24 rated keepers are there in this division? Actually, I don’t know, I haven’t looked yet! But not many.
Fiorentina
Boo, writer bias. Well maybe, but Fiorentina do have the second-best wage bill in the division (£9,600,000) and finished 3rd (as PSV) last season. They have weakened the side from last year to go younger however, and will they choke again?
Star players – Nunez, 20 rated striker, though yet to prove himself as a goal scorer, a lot of faith has been placed in him. Jackson, as above really. An expensive auction buy who has a lot to prove.
Valencia
Tony is back! Yes Mr Ayre has taken the reins of Valencia, and has already transferred his way to 4th in the wage bill table. It’s an unknown, but Tony may well have the nous to lead his team up.
Star players – Gaya, nearly 20 rated defender, who needs to lead the line well. Klaassen, top man in midfield, can he be the side’s heartbeat?
Ajax
Matias has finally moved on from AC Milan, will he be rejuvenated by a change of side? Ajax are 3rd in the wage table, so maybe. Though this is skewed somewhat by having 2 big wage keepers in the side, after signing the massive Trubin, a young high 23 rated keeper.
Star players – Yup, Mr Trubin please stand up, though you are probably 6ft 5! Top keeper. I’m not going to try and spell their striker’s name, so Garcia step up, good quality defensive dude.
The playoff hopefuls
This is a tricky one, as there are several sides with a similar wage bill, with only 2 or 3 off the pace at the bottom. I’ll go with those who have a good keeper or strike force as the most likely candidates to do well, though there are some experienced managers in the mix that could make a difference too.
FC Porto
Technically they won EF2 last season, so should be favourites! However, they have a different squad and manager, which is why they are not. Come back Timbo! They fans are shouting, but nope he’s buggered off to Leeds, why would anyone go to Leeds when they can live in Porto? However, Dan ‘the man’ Thompson is also a good manager, and I wouldn’t put it past him to get Porto promoted.
Star players – ‘It’s a Mario!’ yup defender Mario is quality. Varela, young and multi-talented, and not far from uprate, one to look out for in midfield.
Real Betis
Can Evan bring good fortune to a side that underperformed a little last season? Hopefully. They have a very strong back line, with a good keeper, so are likely to be hard to beat, though appear to lack a cutting edge up front.
Star players - Keeper Bayindir is about to uprate to 23 rated, with Bruma, 20 rated defender in front of him, they are going to be mean.
Benfica
Jason has got a good squad and must be hopeful of a successful season, but has his team got enough strength in depth? Maybe. He has a good strike force and some quality players in other’s positions, definitely could challenge
Star players – Striker Rebic has a decent scoring record and has been brought in to add class up top. Digne is also a top-quality defender to steady the ship.
Schalke
What can manager Emlyn bring to the division? He has a good if not spectacular squad, with plenty of depth, so maybe will do well in the long run. A little lacking in goal and defence, so maybe some high scoring games for the fans to look forward to!
Star players – Striker Dembele is a cut above the rest of the side, and great expectation will be placed on his shoulders. Fleming is also a pretty good midfielder, not too far from uprate.
Sorry midtable dudes, My wine is running low, so no news about you, just the couple of sides who are likely to struggle this season.
The bottom dwellers
Shaktar
Bottom of the wages list, and unmanaged. Things are not looking hopeful for Shaktar. Very little quality other than if someone comes in and sells Sudakov.
Star player – just the one, young talent in midfield, Sudakov
Sparta Prague
Oh dear, no manager, no talent, no hope
Star player – Umm, just about Vydra, young defender, but that’s pushing it!
So that wraps it up, bring on the season!
Words = 978
Prediction time!
Yes, it is that time of the season, who is going to win? Who is shit? It’s time to find out.
Today we focus on EF2, because it’s the only league that matters!
Fiorentina boss Kirby has fed all the relevant data into his special prediction machine, the Bull shitter
‘Brilliantly unbelievably lazy laptop’ also known as the Tosser ‘Totally obvious senseless stats entered randomly’
Yes, this is as scientific as a flat earth convention assessing the solar system. As useful as Boris Johnson, as accurate as VAR for Spurs V Liverpool.
What method is being used? Umm, ok, V=2*Pi – 3xT. See scientific! Anyone alleging this is totally made up are is liable for a good kicking. Ok, so actually it’s mostly wages based, plus some magic involving who I think might be a good manager, or likely to do some more wheeling and dealing.
The Big dogs
OK, these are the teams that should be winning the league, or at least finishing in the top 3, no excuses losers!
Sevilla
Relegated from EF1, and definitely, totally, easily, have the best side in the division, verified by their massive £11,050,000 wage bill. They should walk the league, but, can new manager Alfredo get the best from a side who underperformed last season?
Star players – En-Nesyri, 21 rated forward, Would have been EF2’s top scorer last season, until he was sold. Szczesny – A controversial purchase, but how many other 24 rated keepers are there in this division? Actually, I don’t know, I haven’t looked yet! But not many.
Fiorentina
Boo, writer bias. Well maybe, but Fiorentina do have the second-best wage bill in the division (£9,600,000) and finished 3rd (as PSV) last season. They have weakened the side from last year to go younger however, and will they choke again?
Star players – Nunez, 20 rated striker, though yet to prove himself as a goal scorer, a lot of faith has been placed in him. Jackson, as above really. An expensive auction buy who has a lot to prove.
Valencia
Tony is back! Yes Mr Ayre has taken the reins of Valencia, and has already transferred his way to 4th in the wage bill table. It’s an unknown, but Tony may well have the nous to lead his team up.
Star players – Gaya, nearly 20 rated defender, who needs to lead the line well. Klaassen, top man in midfield, can he be the side’s heartbeat?
Ajax
Matias has finally moved on from AC Milan, will he be rejuvenated by a change of side? Ajax are 3rd in the wage table, so maybe. Though this is skewed somewhat by having 2 big wage keepers in the side, after signing the massive Trubin, a young high 23 rated keeper.
Star players – Yup, Mr Trubin please stand up, though you are probably 6ft 5! Top keeper. I’m not going to try and spell their striker’s name, so Garcia step up, good quality defensive dude.
The playoff hopefuls
This is a tricky one, as there are several sides with a similar wage bill, with only 2 or 3 off the pace at the bottom. I’ll go with those who have a good keeper or strike force as the most likely candidates to do well, though there are some experienced managers in the mix that could make a difference too.
FC Porto
Technically they won EF2 last season, so should be favourites! However, they have a different squad and manager, which is why they are not. Come back Timbo! They fans are shouting, but nope he’s buggered off to Leeds, why would anyone go to Leeds when they can live in Porto? However, Dan ‘the man’ Thompson is also a good manager, and I wouldn’t put it past him to get Porto promoted.
Star players – ‘It’s a Mario!’ yup defender Mario is quality. Varela, young and multi-talented, and not far from uprate, one to look out for in midfield.
Real Betis
Can Evan bring good fortune to a side that underperformed a little last season? Hopefully. They have a very strong back line, with a good keeper, so are likely to be hard to beat, though appear to lack a cutting edge up front.
Star players - Keeper Bayindir is about to uprate to 23 rated, with Bruma, 20 rated defender in front of him, they are going to be mean.
Benfica
Jason has got a good squad and must be hopeful of a successful season, but has his team got enough strength in depth? Maybe. He has a good strike force and some quality players in other’s positions, definitely could challenge
Star players – Striker Rebic has a decent scoring record and has been brought in to add class up top. Digne is also a top-quality defender to steady the ship.
Schalke
What can manager Emlyn bring to the division? He has a good if not spectacular squad, with plenty of depth, so maybe will do well in the long run. A little lacking in goal and defence, so maybe some high scoring games for the fans to look forward to!
Star players – Striker Dembele is a cut above the rest of the side, and great expectation will be placed on his shoulders. Fleming is also a pretty good midfielder, not too far from uprate.
Sorry midtable dudes, My wine is running low, so no news about you, just the couple of sides who are likely to struggle this season.
The bottom dwellers
Shaktar
Bottom of the wages list, and unmanaged. Things are not looking hopeful for Shaktar. Very little quality other than if someone comes in and sells Sudakov.
Star player – just the one, young talent in midfield, Sudakov
Sparta Prague
Oh dear, no manager, no talent, no hope
Star player – Umm, just about Vydra, young defender, but that’s pushing it!
So that wraps it up, bring on the season!
Words = 978